As a way of acknowledging “R U OK?” day on the 9th of September, I’m writing this post as a bit of a reply to that question. I’m also going to check in with some people close to me this week and I hope you do the same. Most everyone’s fighting a battle. See where you can help.
On the day - a Wednesday - I recovered from my worst cold in a year I learned that I was being made redundant. The redundancy contract says that I can’t say more about it, even as much as I want to write about my experience. What I can say is that I found it quite enjoyably ironic that I was wearing my “This is actually my second rodeo” t-shirt (under a jumper) while receiving my second ever redundancy.
By the following Friday I had made my decision: I’d leave the company and take a bunch of cash. That was two Fridays ago. I had a really great heartfelt chat with my team on that Friday morning. Then, I was locked out of my Mac by the afternoon. I found out about it via a phone call while watching my Spoodle sprint through the grass at the park after a ball.
I have gone through the feelings greatest hits playlist in these last couple of weeks: anger, happiness, depression, glee. We’re well-accquainted given that this is, in fact, my second “rodeo”. The first was extensively covered in many, many therapy sessions. Lots in there about learning to trust again and it not being personal or it being connected to my self-worth. Maybe I’ll get off my ass and book some for this redundancy too and re-learn some of those lessons. Or finally learn how to handle rejection gracefully.
The Monday After
After spending that Saturday and Sunday being an absolute fucking joy to be around, I decided that I could go hike up a mountain as a way of dealing with the absolute bastard of a depressive episode. Because why not physically exhaust myself to match the level of emotional exhaustion? I picked Mount Elephant in Derrinallum as the mount(ain).
Driving up to the mountain with the overcast skies threatening to either crack open or clear, I kept an eye out for it looming on the horizon. It’s a big dome, almost like an upside-down bowl. The Google Maps counted down from double-to-single digit minutes away and I still couldn’t see it. It wasn’t until I pulled into Mount Elephant Access Road, did I realise why it was invisible:
The mountain was completely shrouded in fog, which coincidentally matched my brain’s state. It was only arriving at the mountain did I remember that I had an appointment at my daughter’s school. I volunteer to run Lego Club there every Monday afternoon, taking my lunch break there to do it. Oops. I worked out from the AllTrails app and some other mental math that I could probably make it back in time for that.
I decided I’d climb it anyway, despite the fog and my pending afternoon commitments, and see what the conditions were like when I got to the top. On the way up, near the start of the climb, I met a group of 3 women and their dogs. They said: “I hope you get a better view than we did!” Still not put off climbing in the fog, I decided to start winding my way up this thing.
Walking is my favourite exercise. I can walk for hours. When you’re walking up a hill like this, the brain just clears up completely and the noise quietens down. I compare it to this black void-bubble opening up in the centre of my head and pushing the hurricane out to the sides, squishing it against the skull. There’s only walking, there are no other thoughts. Running does the same thing to me.
So this stopped the plotting I was doing in the car about how I could return all the branded clothing back to the company, individually and over the space of several months, with extra fine glitter poured into each package. A cardboard box for that t-shirt, but a plastic packaging for the hoodies. This is what I come up with when ruminating on the “it’s not personal” aspect of things. The gear is actually being taken to the tip later this week. The laptop is being collected by a courier later this week. My house will be free of any and all company-branded items.
As someone who has made physical fitness priority number four-hundred-and-thirty-three during a full-time gig and raising a kiddo, hiking up the mountain was tough going. It’s embarassing to admit (but hey, this is a post about FEELINGS!) but I had to stop a few times and catch my breath, re-hydrate and let the air circulate through the jeans I was wearing. I’m going to wear more appropriate gear next time.
It was during one of these breaks that I realised that I was the only person on the mountain. Just me, with about 200 sheep. I thought about how long it’d take for someone else to come along, on a work-weekday. Then I thought about what if I were to fall or hurt myself, how long would help come to arrive? My phone had 3 bars of 4G signal. I thought that would be good enough. And I had told people where I was going and when I would be expected back.
I eventually made it to one of the summits of this dormant volcano and got a good view down into the crater itself, realising that the fog had cleared substantially during my walk-sit-walk.
Walking along the tiny trail along the ridge, I realised that off to my right there was a steep hill with no fence to catch any man (or sheep) from falling down that hill. The call of the void was strong. The depression said “why not?”, but I put the black dog back in its cage (again, well acquainted) and moved back to the other side of the ridge, watching my footing over the volcanic rock.
I made it to the second summit of the mountain as well, upsetting the flock of sheep as I approached. I sat down on this climb as well, but made it up in the end. I stacked another rock on the cairn that was built at the top from other climbers. Then made my way back down to the car, which was uneventful except for me being completely alone on the walk back too. Again I thought about what would’ve happened if I had slipped up on that mountain.
I drove back to Warrnambool with enough time to spare to grab lunch along the way, and get home and change out of my jeans and soaked t-shirt and into some new clothes. I delivered the Lego to school on time and surprised my daughter who thought I’d still be mountain climbing. The kids were a delight, as they are on the regular.
After lego club, I packed up and went home. I set up my Windows PC on my main desk, and started finding jobs to apply for.
The Job Hunt
I’ve applied for less than a half-dozen positions so far and I’ve heard back from 3 of them, all with rejections. This process is giving me a lot of practice for dealing with rejections. We’ll see if we can beat the all-time high score of 34 rejections I got while looking for my first dev gig.
I’ve also been handing rejections out myself. I was contacted by an ex-colleague who suggested I go work for a crypto startup. Hell no. Another person who I worked with over a decade ago asked if I would like to come work for him at his virtual AI girlfriend/boyfriend startup. Hell fuck no. I have ethical qualms with these, and any sort of addiction / gambling-based companies as well. I would like to work somewhere that’s doing something good for humanity, rather than preying on the impulses of the weak-willed.
The good looking jobs are few and far between at the moment. The ones that are looking good are typically requiring 2-3 days in an office in either Sydney or Melbourne, which are non-starters given I live out in Warrnambool. I was open to the idea of commuting to Melbourne perhaps 2 days a week, right up until I got the absolute best cuddles from my daughter last night at bed time. I don’t want to miss out on those or other moments like them.
On remote working: It’s like we’ve collectively forgotten or wilfully chosen to ignore the lessons in remote working that we learned during the pandemic and the years post-that. I was on a team of developers for the last 5 years spread all around Australia (Perth, Adelaide, Melbourne, Sydney and Brisbane) that worked productively and cohesively as a unit. We were in a company with teams of remote employees. It can work! I understand there is value in being all in the same office. We got that value by catching up in-person as a team on the regular.
Things have changed since 2021 (when I last looked for a job) and they feel much more bleaker now than they did then. This does not help the depression and hopelessness. The feeling of being abandoned is pretty strong too. I joke as a way to cope with these feelings, suggesting that I could go apply at the local JB HiFi store that’s hiring, but would fail the interview process as I lack the requisite tattoos and piercings. Or I could I go work at the cafe in town as a barista that sells the most expensive coffees ($6.50!).
At least I wouldn’t have to deal with the frothiness about AI. Just the frothiness of a latte.
I’ve talked to some recruiters who’ve been pretty helpful for figuring out what to do next and who to speak to. I’m planning on coming to the next versions of the Melbourne Ruby and JavaScript meetups, and maybe off the back of those I’ll score my next gig. I’m also considering opening back up to contracting, which was pretty fun during 2021 when I was in between full time jobs.
In the meantime, I’m trying to eat right, except I have my daughter’s birthday cake leftovers still to get through. And I’m going to go spend more time on my bike and up some mountains. The Grampians are next this week. And I’m going to figure out what it is for me to be me when I’ve got an extra 40 hours a week spare. I’ve got enough money to last out the year, and if it takes me that long to find a job then so be it.