Ryan Bigg

The Fake Update

17 Sep 2010

Here's a fake update I emailed to my mum earlier today:

Last couple of days have been great :)

Caught up with some strangers who I met online, they lured me into a non-descript white van and blindfolded me and we are somewhere warm underground. The candy was delicious and they say they have more.

But first I have to go and run some "errands" for them around San Francisco which they say involves something called "weed" (I recommended they go down to the hardware store and get some spray, works well. They laughed.) and some other thing about "popping caps" into peoples asses. I'm no proctologist but they said they would give me training and the tools to do it. Not looking forward to that part but apparently that's business.

There's this one guy here who people are telling me he's "the man" (at first I thought they were saying he is "a man" and I was all "duh, have you SEEN his Adams apple?" and they clarified that they meant he was a "pig". Again I was all "duh, have you seen him eat?" and they just rolled their eyes and walked away) I am not sure why he is the man, I was just told never to say it to his face.

Anyway, gotta roll out now. Love you heaps and will send back some presents for you when I get some time off.

(and if it isn't obvious yet, this is a big joke and shouldn't believed by anyone to be real. I'll send you a real update later on :)

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